There was another reason why I have not wrote. It was a personal matter and that me think our lives would be in for a big change. I wrote this earlier, but just published it until now and made a few changes.
Dear Future Little One,
During this summer I thought I was pregnant.
Fears caught the best of me.
Let me start off by saying that I didn't feel good.
And I was unable to use the restroom for a month.
My emotions were flying off the charts.
My boobs became hard as rocks.
I became frantic looking up for signs of what may be going on.
Every symptom I typed in gave me pages of google results marked as "pregnancy symptoms".
I stared at the computer for a long time in disbelief - not knowing where to begin.
Plus it didn't help that I miscalculated my birth control for the past two months.
And the previous month's period was just a little light blood and then it was done, making me feel like I never "fully" had my last period.
What if I was really pregnant?
What was I going to do?
How would I tell your father?
I kept telling myself: this is not the time.
Daddy is in school.
I only work part-time.
My eating habits are bad, will that effect you? (Ha, you may be laughing at this now, but this has always been a concern for me).
I am selfish.
With all these reasons, God has to know that we can't have a baby at this time - because this just isn't the right time for me.
I didn't tell Dad my thoughts because I wanted his mind on school as his finals were approaching.
So I kept it a secret and waited.
And waited (which seemed forever, but it really wasn't).
If I calculated it right, I should be having my period soon, so no need to get a pregnancy test.
And I honestly still didn't "feel" pregnant.
However, my thoughts started consuming me about you.
What if I really was pregnant?
Life wouldn't be about me anymore.
It would be all about you.
What would your name be?
What would you look like?
Would you have your dad's beautiful eyes?
My curly hair?
Our big noses?
What would you be like?
Would you be passionate like your daddy?
What will grandma's reaction be like?
What will you smell like?
How can we make the best possible life for you?
How will you make an impact on others?
So many questions, making me smile with hope thinking that you were growing inside me.
Then my period came. A couple days later than expected.
I was not pregnant.
I was sad knowing that you weren't growing inside me and instead I was only dreaming of you and how perfect you will be.
This is not God's timing. And no matter how much preparing a person does, they will probably never be fully "prepared."
One day, (not now) you may be growing in my belly or be born in my heart,
And the day you become part of our lives, we will forever be changed.
In such an incredible, blessed way.
We will try to be the best parents for you.
And try to provide you with all your needs and every learning opportunity possible.
We will you safe (and knowing me, maybe a little too safe).
And most of of all, we will love you like our father loves us.
You will be perfect for us and this family.
I can't wait to meet you when God's timing is right.