Friday, January 14, 2011

5 in the morning

"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying.  It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep."  ~Dale Carnegie

It’s almost five in the morning. I’ve been up for about an hour and a half already, tossing and turning. This is because I feel sad guilty and extremely worried. My grandma got released from the hospital the other day and has had hospice come into her home. People are driving from all different areas to come and see her and I'm not one of them. Horrible I know. Judge me all you want.

My grandma has been sick for the past year at least, where she's had her ups and downs being in the hospital multiple times even in the nursing home. I was called before because "she was on her death bed and she's really bad". So of course, I hopped on the plane to go and see her. But she is literally on her death bed, and I'm not there. Why? I should be.

I feel like I need to be there more for the aftermath. I felt like once I said bye to my grandma the last time I visited, I knew I wouldn't be back except for her funeral. I talked to my grandma through the phone last night and she couldn't talk back. I only heard a moan. My aunt did say she thinks that was when she was trying to speak, but she couldn't get the words out. They say the last thing that goes before you die is your hearing.

Usually, my grandma has always been a huge talker - you know, the kind that you can't get to shut-up? I never thought I would say this, but I miss those days. Those were the days I knew she was okay. 

My grandma has changed a lot since 2002 when my grandpa died. She lost a ton of weight (even became anorexic), did some things that did not make the family happy (I don't care to discuss), and I feel like I personally took her for granted. I mean how could a grandchild take her grandma for granted? I did not go and visit her like I should have, I hardly made any phone calls while I was in Arizona to see how she was doing so I have been no where near the perfect grandchild.

And I have learned one lesson that happens when death occurs:
When a person dies, people change. 

I have seen this on both sides of my family. It really has opened my eyes to see that my thought of a perfect family: wasn't mine. Which makes me more sad than anything.

For the past year at least, my mom has been seeing my grandma every week. Doing errands for her and my uncle, taking her to the doctor, going grocery shopping, and providing whatever she has needed, even if my mom has had to drive through snow storms, rain, or whatever: she would be there.

I'm sad that my grandma is dying, but I know: 1.) She will be in a better place 2.) She won't have to suffer anymore (hence she has been going through ups and downs for a year) 3.) She will with my grandpa who misses her like crazy 4.) She'll be back to her old self (just not in body) where she will be happy, healthy, and talking non-stop. 5.) She has lived a pretty nice life and even a long life (not that long) but she has experienced things in life because their life was cut short.

But I am feeling sick to my stomach for my aunts, uncles and especially my mom. I know she will need me. Once my grandma dies so will a part of my family.

Even though some of her stress will be gone because everything is in order, my mom is going to feel horrible. She's going to put more stress on her self worrying about everyone else rather than her self. She always does. She cares way too much which makes her as great as she is. I am more worried about her than any other of my grandma's children.

So when am I going to see my grandma? At her funeral. But I am not showing up until then because my mom will need me more after the fact than anything else. So I will probably be in Indiana for two weeks trying to help my mom with whatever she needs. But two weeks isn't going to do much and I can't be there for all the things my mom really needs. After two weeks, I'll be 3,000 miles away from home.

I believe everything happens for a reason. So maybe there's a reason for me not being able to find a job because just maybe I'm supposed to be there for my mom for a couple of weeks to help her through all of this. If I had a new job, no employer would let me take 2 weeks off (even if it was unpaid) especially if I just started the job. And probably why Trav and I got super cheap flight tickets to Texas (even though I will probably not be going).

But it just horrible being so far away from everyone. I can't get in a car and drive 3,000 miles. I can't hop on a plane without paying $500 upfront. It's hard to do anything when you live SO far away. I hate being away when I feel like I should be there and that I am missing so much.

*P.S. I posted this much later because I was debating if I should tell you some sad story, or how I was feeling. But this is my personal blog and its my thoughts and a journal of what I am feeling, so I decided to share my feelings rather than hide them.*


  1. Oh Ashley, I am SO sorry!! I know what it's like to feel like that. My grandpa passed away a few years back and my grandma has been "on her death bed" ever since. We've said goodbys multiple times and I haven't seen her in over a year. And I lived SO close to her! (I know, bad granddaughter) But you're right. Everything DOES happen for a reason. You are a great daughter to be worrying about your mom so much...hmmm....she cares too much huh? I wonder where YOU get that from:-) Your grandma knows that you love her babe! And after she passes, she will be with her husband again. I love you and if you need anything let me know!

  2. hang in there girl! i have been through a similar situation with my grandma.


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